Specious reasoning: Punching your ticket on the Apple doom train

In Apple’s quarterly conference call with analysts last week, the company announced that it would no longer be providing unit sales figures for iPhones, iPads and Macs. As was foretold in prophecy (or, in this case, a tweet by The Macalope), the caterwauling about Apple converting to the practice followed by almost everyone else in the industry has begun!

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and home endoscopy hobbyist forum, Peter Cohan brings us “3 Reasons To Sell Apple Now.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Tibor.)

Just three? Sounds like someone’s not applying himself. The Macalope would think a real Apple doomologist could come up with a dozen reasons before breakfast. Breakfast might, in fact, be one of the reasons. Or more than one.

“Twelve Reasons Post Toasties Doom Apple.”

Number 5: Milk. YOU CAN’T PUT IT ON APPLE PRODUCTS. AIRPODS ARE VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE IN IT.

Apple just violated three basic rules of running a public company:

They just happen to be ones that Cohan completely made up and are mostly laughably incorrect.

If you want your stock to go up, beat and raise every quarter.

Apple’s shown that it’s less concerned with obsessing over quarterly moves in its share price than it is with making good products and raking in cash. But beat and raise what?

…report higher than expected revenue and earnings growth and raise its guidance for the quarter…

Cohan admits that Apple did beat estimates of revenue and profit. So what’s the problem?